Scribbles

Sometimes news about Zimbabwe makes me bitter. Sometimes, I can only get sarcastic. Like when I read this article:

Zimbabwe: Judge Accuses Grace Mugabe of Seizing His Seized Farm

A Zimbabwe High Court judge has accused President Robert Mugabe’s family of using political muscle to wrestle a farm allocated to him during the land seizures.

Court documents in our possession filed on November 10 last year show that High Court Judge Ben Hlatshwayo had been allocated Gwina Farm, located in Banket, Zvimba District, in Mashonaland West province and measures approximately 580 hectares.

Hlatshwayo’s affidavit exposes Mugabe and his family as multiple farm owners through their company Gushungo Holdings that carries out farming activities at Mazowe Farm, Sigaro Farm, Leverdale Farm and Bassiville Farm.

Gushungo Holdings is cited as the first respondent and the Minister of State for National Security, Land Reform and Resettlement is cited as the second respondent. (Full)

So I wonder what kind of conversation would have transpired between Mugabe and Judge Hlatshwayo. Maybe something like this:

- Hey Mug, this is H.
- …Hello?
- Mug?? This is H.
- [ticking against the phone]
- Mug???
- [background noise] Ah.. Yeah right.. Sorry, had it upside down.
- Mug?
- Yow! Woosdiz?
- Hey Mug, this is H.
- Yow H., my man, whatzup?
- Hey man. Lisssnn. Your woman is causing me grief, man!
- Which one?
- Grace. That one. She no good, man!
- Why?
- She seized my farm.
- Which one?
- Grace!
- No, which farm?
- Gwina.
- Where the %%$£ is Gwina?
- In Banket!
- Which one?
- Grace!
- No which village?
- Banket!
- No dude, we got no blankets here.
- No Banket, dude, Banket in Zvimba.
- [background noise, whispering] ..no, in Gwina.. [female voice screaming "lemme talk to that no-good judge"]…[background noise].. Hey H?
- How Mug !
- H, listen, dude, Grace says it’s hers.
- Which one?
- That farm.
- No dude, it’s mine!
- No, it’s hers!
- Hey, I seized it first. I seized it from that white dude.
- She says ‘no mind, I seize it from you’.
- But it’s mine, I seized it first!
- It no matter, she’s boss’ girl, she can seize all she can.
- But not from a me, I am a homie from your blingbling clan!
- No dude. She seizes.
- But dude, I will sue her sorry ass!
- Which one?
- Grace’s!
- Hey H, stay away from my woman’s ass!
- Dude, I will sue her sorry ass. And yours too!
- No you can’t!
- Yes I can. I am the judge-man!
- You no judge man for long then!
- Yes I am. I got that hammer thing!
- I will seize your hammer thing! I can seize all, I can. I seized the economy. I seized the government. I even seized the central bank, man. Your hammer is mine. Seized!
- Nooooo [whining] don’t seize my hammer thing! I only got one. But I got 30 seized farms!
- Hammer mine. Seized. Should’ve stayed away from my woman’s ass!
- But she seized my farm.
- No matter. She like second layer seiz… eh.. eh.. second layer seizer. She seized the farm. I seize your sorry ass. And the hammer.
- [click]
…

More satire on The Road

Cartoon courtesy The Economist

From our reporter in Gaza:

As we monitored the two webcams at the Gaza/Israel Keram Shalom border crossing today (this post), it soon became apparent that the camera pointing towards Gaza had a chronic problem with a fly walking over the lens. The camera pointing towards Israel’s side of the border was fly-free.

The Palestinian authorities immediately launched an official objection at the UN Security Council, calling for a resolution to have the Gaza camera fly-free too.

This prompted the UN Secretary-General to deploy an online UN monitoring force, the UN International Fly Observers (UNIFO), who reported the following:

[Gaza side]: 09:15- Fly walks over. Stops.
[Gaza side]: 09:17- Fly sits on side of screen
[Gaza side]: 09:19- Fly walks to the other side

(..) goes on until 10:17 when things get heated up:

[Gaza side]: 10:17- Two flies have sex. Duration 1.12 sec
[Gaza side]: 10:25- Two flies have sex. Duration 1.54 sec
[Gaza side]: 11:05- Two flies have sex. Duration 10.04 sec

After the report was shared with the press in the late afternoon, Hamas called a press conference, claiming the two flies were Palestinian – as they were on the Gaza-pointed camera.

Israel officially objected by claiming the fly-act. The spokesperson for the Israeli Ministry of Information stated that.. “10.04 seconds of sex for a fly is equal to 10 hours of sex for humans. We have detailed ..euh.. information that no Palestinian fly can have sex for 10.04 seconds. The third fly-sex record was indeed done by Israeli flies.”

The Palestinian Red Crescent Society made things more complex by stating they evacuated two entangled flies around 11:10, confirming they were indeed Palestinian. Israel resolutely claimed by Israel the flies were under-cover Mossad agents, asked for their release, and called for an impromptu fly-embargo on Gaza.

Egypt extended its solidarity to the Palestinian cause by sending a container full of flies to Gaza, a shipment coordinated by the UN. Hamas consecutively confiscated the shipment and sold the flies to Israeli farmers, claiming they were bees.

Israel replicated by spraying the flies on the Gaza-pointed webcam with “BAM”, a US-supplied insecticide. This drastic move was condemned by WTF, the World Trustfund for Flies, as a war crime.

The Arab League started the “Free the FLIES” campaign which, apparently, already has 100,000 registered signatures, even before the website became online.

George Lucas will make a movie out of the incident, apparently to be called “Sex on the Fly”.

More satire on The Road.

I don’t have to remember how to get anywhere. The sooth-voiced GPS in my car guides me from where I am to where I wanna be, via roads I did not know before.

I don’t have to remember meetings. Those who want meetings with me, fill in an electronic form which automatically replicates with my Blackberry, which reminds me 15 minutes before the start. It is widely accepted to miss meetings because someone’s Blackberry froze. We then commiserate with the person, feeling real bad for them, as we know the feeling of being Berry-less.

I don’t know when my car needs maintenance. My car reminds me, 500 miles before.

I don’t carry cash. I just slid a card in a slot. For those backward situations, where I do need cash, I carry some small notes hidden in a secret pocket of my credit card wallet. And then I am not surprised the cashier needs his calculator to see what the change is for a twenty. On a 18.95 sale.

I don’t remember names. I remember I met this guy in New York, in 2003. A quick search for the keywords “New York”, “2003″, and “male” on my PDA tells me who and what he is, and on what topic I met him before. And if I want to connect to his company website. Or update his business card automatically.

I don’t have to look for a job. LinkedIn ensures I get at least 10 offers per month.

I hear music on my iPod I have never heard before. I go online with iTunes, and it tells me what I like. I just click “OK”. Music is automatically copied to my iPod. I play “Latest Updated” and hear my favorite music. Only a pity that I don’t recognize the artist names nor album titles.

Likewise, Amazon reminds me when new books by my favorite authors are published. Their names don’t ring a bell, though.

I don’t remember how to spell. Microsoft word auto-corrects my errors.

My Blackberry (that thing again!), makes different noises, dependent which email it receives. If it comes from my boss, it makes a “whoopwhoop” noise.

I don’t read manuals. I try things. I don’t read instructions on a website, I just click haphazardly. If I don’t get what I want, I try another website. Choice plenty.

I don’t have an opinion. Before commenting, I check CNN to see the latest poll. I always make up my mind after consuming several 3G or GPRS megabytes.

Loads of electronic services I use, are password protected Passwords are remembered by my browser. I only have to click ‘OK’.

I don’t have to remember to contribute to charity. It is deducted from my checking account automatically.

My cellphone remembers the birthday of my mum and dad better than I do.

Facebook tells me who are my friends. I don’t recognize half of their thumbnail pictures, though. I have new friends every day.

I don’t have to speak to people. I email them. I vaguely remember the name of the guy in the office next door. But I bet ya, I had an email fight with him. Or at least blindcopied him on some stuff he outta know. If only I would remember what the issue was about. Then again, my intelligent Email search engine can tell me in a moment.

I know I am fired once my electronic badge no longer works.

I don’t have to visit places to learn. Wikipedia tells me all what I need to know. Google Earth shows me the sights better than in real life. And faster. And cheaper! Linked with Flickr and Panoramio, it shows better pictures I could ever take. And above all, the weather is always perfect on those, contrary to real life.

I don’t have to put my nose outside to know what the weather is. I have at least 10 websites that tell me. And what weather to expect in the next 1o days.

I don’t have to call the airport to check delays on my flight. My PDA tells me if my flight will leave on time or not.

I don’t remember my wife’s telephone number. My cell does. I don’t remember my own number. It is stored on my cell under the label “ME”.

I skype with my kids who are sitting in the next room. From time to time, we have conference chats with the family to decide on important matters. Opinions on critical issues are submitted anonymously with SurveyMonkey. We have breakfast together, though. Each with our iPod in our ears.

And if I screw up in life, I always have a.. Second Life.

Inspired by The Outsourced Brain. Discovered via Betty. Picture courtesy Glasbergen and DuckDown

Okay… I consider myself an IT person. My work is mostly IT related. Not as a user, but as an IT systems provider. I am supposed to like IT stuff. But I don’t. I think these days, IT is no longer a service. It is a drag. A burden.

This afternoon, this error message just gave me the creeps:

Make a selection. OK. Make a selection of WHAT? **%%$$!! And then I try to print a file, and I get an error: “Subsystem: IMAGE, Operator: ReadImage, Position: 2218, PCL XL Error. ” What the F**?

Maybe this is not my day, but how many times does it not happen: You start a meeting. And the first half hour you waste fiddling around with wires, interfaces, software settings, LAN connections and self-installing software, only trying to project a Powerpoint slide on a wall. Just as an example.

I despise user-unfriendly software. I find it cruel. I think many software developers should be indited by the International Criminal Court in The Hague. “Crimes against humanity”, that is what I call user-unfriendly software. Nothing more, nothing less. Moral genocide.