I Am an Aid Worker. And a Woman. Help!
In the previous post, Shylock explored, in a ironical, cynical, self-criticizing way, what personal future we, aid workers have. We wonder the earth, gradually getting used to travel all the time, often in harsh places, and very often in search of a thrill. Gradually we get addicted to it all.
But is there life after this.. after this life of a gypsy? Do we become gypsy disasters after years of behaving like a disaster gypsy, roaming from one emergency to the next?
No matter how much we chuckle reading the previous post, in the end, it is not funny. Far from it. Many humanitarian workers have a problem to find ‘a life after this’.. But it is even more sad to realize how few actually “have a life even now”… Even now, many forget, or at least compromise, their personal life because of their addiction. The addiction to the horizon, to the adrenaline.
And now I want to you stop for a moment, no matter what you are doing. What I am going to tell you, is very close to my heart…
No matter how you twist and turn it. The professional world is still a man’s world. This world in general is still a man’s world. It has been for hundreds of centuries. From the time men dragged women into their cages by their hair, we have come a long way, but we are not there yet. “There” being “offering equal chances, and equal opportunities to women”.
Here is how I see it. (and don’t forget I am a man, and no matter how hard I try, I will always be a man, even if I try to look at things from a woman’s perspective):
I look around me, and see people -men and women- alike, with loads of personal challenges through the work they do… But then I look again, and see that in most management functions in this business – the humanitarian world -, men hold the key functions (and most of them come from the first world, but let’s leave that aside for a moment). I look once more, and see most administrative support positions are filled by women. Many women in this business are strong, well educated, hard working people. Many of them are young, full of energy, inspiration and aspirations. The new generation of women have been encouraged (and enabled) by their parents to get a good education. They are ambitious to develop themselves personally and professionally. Many of these young women whizz through their twenties like a breeze, and some climb up (if all goes well), the professional ladder.
All of a sudden they find themselves in their mid thirties, somewhere in the professional chain and ask “hey where is my personal life gone to?”. And that is where the challenges start.
If all goes well, they find a partner. If all goes well. As we – men – are not always too happy to live with a partner who has a demanding career. Even fewer like it when that career takes ‘our woman’ away on duty travel. Heaven forbids that ‘her career’ would even have her live far away from us, in some dark and remote humanitarian crisis area.
“If all goes well” they find a partner, as too often at their mid thirties, what men are “available” on the “partner market”? Those coming out of their first long relationship, and not looking for something long term. The ‘celibataires eternelles’ or ‘commito-fobes’. Those who have not made up their mind what the hell they want. The ‘players’. And those already in a relationship. Or those who have failed in relationships so far.. (and all of that is a whole different discussion which I would love to have over a glass of Prosecco).
So “if all goes well”, a partner is found. And then? “A career” you say? In this world where, no matter what, a woman is still supposed to not only bare the children, but also spend most of her time raising them? Where a woman is still supposed to do most of the household stuff? [if you are a man, think about it... If you don't agree with me, think again... Who spends most of the time with the kids, working for/in the house? You or your partner?].
So, what then? Most women are the ones making the compromise then.. Either give up their career, or work part time, etc…
If they don’t, the juggle of kids, house, husband and career becomes a full time challenge.
The other evening, I went with E. over all the women we knew. And we tried to flag those we thought had found a good balance between kids, house, husband and career. And are successful in all. We found one. One woman out of the dozens of women we know, we found one.
That is a sad observation. And even more sad, when we realized that lady does not work in the humanitarian “business”.
So, all you ladies out there. And specifically those of you in the humanitarian world! In my “The Dudettes” short story I tried (in my cynical and ironical way) pay a tribute to you all. But come and have your say too. Am I seeing things in a too dark, negative way? Am I seeing things too much from a “male” perspective? You tell me. So com’on all you strong women out there, have your say! Click on ‘comments’ below this post to see the other comments, and to chip in with your thoughts…
Peter Casier.
Bless you once more sweet, sweet Peter for attempting to capture what many wouldn’t have even felt was worthy of a mention. Bless you for trying to capture what the women in this industry are attempting to achieve – a balance for a line of work that they intrinsically feel connected to. And yet, the view of the professional woman (even in this type of humane context) remains rigid and cold. The balance between being taken seriously and not to be viewed as ‘emotional’ in any shape, way or form – remains an issue. Hence, there are many of the female pioneers within this industry that have felt it necessary to act as ‘men.’ Tough and rugged, potentially. Whereas this new generation is unwilling to compromise on their feminity in the process of professional growth. I believe I mentioned that to you during our conversation how I find it all the more enriching to provide a female perspective within this line of work and I am positive that I’m not the only one. These are humanitarian efforts and we, as women, could more easily and quietly tap into the deep reserve of spirituality, calm, persistence, resilience and creativity that it definitely calls for.
Bless you once more for attempting to reach out to these women that struggle without much ‘direction’ provided since not many senior managers feel up to the task of mentoring the young professional women. It may be the ‘uncompromising’ social settings and it just may not have crossed many’s minds. Hence, the additional challenge of self-guidance in the professional sphere is one I find admirable in us. Whereby, most lessons learnt are self taught, which is truly impressive. Young, dynamic and highly intelligent women that additionally tap into their consciousness to attempt to guide themselves and grow through the maze of professional life.
And truly bless you for highlighting the personal sacrifices that we ‘face’ in this context; whereby many men could claim that it’s only natural that they pursue what they love in their professional careers, yet the women would be perceived as disconnected if they want to pursue their chosen professional path. From my perspective, I have finally found that this is my true calling and am not only hesitent but absolutely fearful of never meeting a true man; that is a man that could appreciate my ‘dilemna’ and support me in finding a way through the issues through heartfelt compromises and a bundle of love. You, Peter, are one of very few men with this type of openness in spirit.
Anyways, what I hope for – and this may be wishful thinking – is that the next set of professional women will indeed have ‘us’ as their mentors and will at least not have to struggle so much for something this basic. A true equilibirity at the workplace.
I am extremely proud to find even the few ‘older’ women that have successfully ‘reached’ this balance – it does give me a glimmer of hope.
E
Anonymous
25 Sep 07 at 02:26
Dear Peter,
You just hit the spot my old friend!!!
Having retired yesterday officially from a UN-Humanitarian organisation which could not offer me and my new adoptive daughter a post in a country better than Phase III (for the ones who don`t know about the jargon, this means a “non family duty station”), I am now in this new clan; early retirement from an aid worker.
I am a woman who has dedicated 17 years of her life, with the greatest joy, to the humanitarian world and went out of it as I could not juggle my new daughter and this adrenaline filled-life.
Am I sad? Yes, of course, now the good jobs were coming, the higher levels, the respect etc. But, it was time to make a break. This is not to say I will not go back one day, in a different capacity.
Frankly, after years in god forsaken countries (I did love it to be frank), its nice to be quiet at home and just live a “normal life”… See my daughter learn life and enjoy being alive. I highly recommend it!!! For the ones who may need a little break.
Ciao,
One of your dudettes from the start, in Ngaga…
Marie France Bourgeois
4 Oct 07 at 17:01
I somehow missed this post when it first came out… oh. I was in Sudan (typical, huh?). Right. Anyway, I agree that the aidworker thing is harder for women than for men – somehow it is more acceptable even for married men to go off for months at a time, leaving behind their families, when it would not be appropriate for a woman. That is, if the woman even managed to get married, given the women in humanitarian work tend (generalization) to be single and the men married. Many men seem not to undertake such work until they are more established (or have an easier time finding women who will put up with it than women do finding men who will).
I faced all of these thoughts while I was in Sudan, and ended up pulling out of the running for a truly prime UN job for which I was in the final cut – because I wanted more stability and more possibility of having a family. I’ll be back in Africa, but I think it will have to be back in the development world, where I started, rather than the humanitarian world I fell into. “Unaccompanied duty station” is not a phrase I want to hear again any time soon.
Have been enjoying your blog for quite a while, by the way!
amazedlife
15 Jan 08 at 01:01